We all have difficult people in our lives. We itch to confront them, but know from experience that they’ll only turn things around if we try. Yet what good does it do anyone to stand mute when the difficult decide to attack?
Fifteen years ago, my friend, Amy, who at the time, was weeks away from dying of lung cancer, shared something that she thought was important for me to hear. It was simple, but has proved to be one of the best tools I now have in being able to deal with difficult people. “When you have to confront someone,” she said, “make sure to have a clear goal in mind before you to talk to him or her.” She winked, one crooked side tooth in an otherwise perfect smile making her look even more endearing. “And for goodness sake, make sure it will work!”
Driving away from Amy’s house on that clear autumn afternoon, I found myself nodding my head in agreement. What she had said made perfect sense. If you already know that you want to keep peace with a certain irrational person in your life, it may be best not to fight fire with fire. But if you are sure that you would be fine with saying good-by to someone who you feel is too oppressive, you may want to let loose and allow the pieces to fall where they may.
To this day, I now concentrate on what my goal is when I have to deal with the hypercritical. If it’s someone I care about and I know that I still want in my life, I make sure to pick my battles. When I do decide to confront that person, I do so only after I share with him or her how much I value the relationship. I also let go of what doesn’t work—and concentrate on what does. For instance, with certain people, I have learned to let go of the goal in trying to get an apology, and, instead accept that he or she will most likely want to get the “last word in.” I have also learned how to feel good about being able to say what is on my mind without any expectations.
Recognizing when it’s okay to let go of a relationship itself can also be quite helpful. To walk in with the goal of standing up for oneself, regardless of how irrational the other person might react may help you assert yourself in ways you never thought possible. Sometimes the defensive bully in your life might not be able to take it and turn on his heel and go, leaving you at first flustered, but in the long run, relieved. And sometimes, you may be pleasantly surprised when a certain difficult person senses that you are no longer afraid of her, and backs down.
Whatever your goal is, just make sure to remember it before you meet with the person you want to confront. Let it be that invisible golden ticket in your back pocket that not only helps you keep clear, but also helps you keep your cool.
Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her debut novel, “The Grace of Crows” (Amazon link: http://amzn.to/19mA6r1), is about what happens after a woman with debilitating anxiety reconnects with a childhood friend who has become homeless and living under a pier in Malibu. (Amazon Author Page Link:https://www.amazon.com/author/tracyshawn).
